For those of you who are regular readers of my blog, you will know how off-course it is for me to just do a random post. I have this series and that series, nothing is random here… well, hardly ever.
Today, it’s random.
I woke up this morning from a dream. My dreams have been speaking to me more lately. (Maybe it’s all that yoga clearing out my chakras! lol…) In my dream this morning, I said something that was very insensitive and I realized it after it was too late. Then I woke up with the dream still in me. So as I was standing in the shower, I was thinking about the dream and about how I did that awful thing (and other awful things) and chastising myself for writing about things so incredibly beautiful as the Tao when I have so clearly have “issues” of my own. (Yes, that voice was having it’s moment.) Then it dawned on me that I have not forgiven myself for these things.
I have what I would call “social tourette’s”.
Not to belittle the actual Tourette’s Syndrome, which can be a very serious thing, I have a minor form of this sort of thing in that I sometimes do and say things that are highly inappropriate. I won’t go into details here, but it is an important part of the story so I had to reveal that, at least. I’ve definitely noticed this at times in my life and unfortunately I think that I have probably hurt a lot of people in my lifetime through my own insensitivity.
I have closet things.
I have things that I don’t talk about that are ugly to me. I have let them sit inside of me and haven’t set them free by asking forgiveness of the people that I have hurt. This is such an important part of my development. So I will be attempting to do this over the next few weeks and months, particularly with the big ones that rattle around in my mind, unforgiven. I have heard it said many times before that forgiveness is not for the other person, it is for YOU. In the case of forgiving yourself, I would say that it is for both of you. When you do things to people and don’t ask for their forgiveness by outrightly acknowledging the fall, you put a chink in the relationship and it stays there until you do.
My word for this year is CONNECTION.
Yesterday, as part of Michele Bergh’s fabulous class on e-courses *, she challenged us to come up with a list of our peeps. I dredged names out of memory from so long ago. I started going through my address book, my FB account, anywhere that I had names and recalling all the people of my life. It was such a treasure to write that list. I have so many incredibly beautiful people in my world. I got excited thinking about the ways that I could reach out to them more and stay connected, or re-connect anew if I have let the relationship slide away from me. Most importantly, it made me realize how much I love my people. Each one is special and I want to do everything I can to enjoy them. For some, it means that I need to forgive myself for things that I have done to them.
I suppose perhaps that many of us have this issue. I may not be alone in this, although it feels like I am sometimes. If others are like me, we never really want to admit that we have a problem with just offending people without realizing it. As a person who is working on my own development, I think it is good to be aware of myself and aware of my affect on others.
*Disclaimer: That is an affiliate link for Michele’s course. I make a commission if you buy something from her, but I would have put the link there whether I would make anything from it or not. She’s awesome and I only recommend awesome stuff.