For those of you who are regular readers of my blog, you will know how off-course it is for me to just do a random post. I have this series and that series, nothing is random here… well, hardly ever.
Today, it’s random.
I woke up this morning from a dream. My dreams have been speaking to me more lately. (Maybe it’s all that yoga clearing out my chakras! lol…) In my dream this morning, I said something that was very insensitive and I realized it after it was too late. Then I woke up with the dream still in me. So as I was standing in the shower, I was thinking about the dream and about how I did that awful thing (and other awful things) and chastising myself for writing about things so incredibly beautiful as the Tao when I have so clearly have “issues” of my own. (Yes, that voice was having it’s moment.) Then it dawned on me that I have not forgiven myself for these things.
I have what I would call “social tourette’s”.
Not to belittle the actual Tourette’s Syndrome, which can be a very serious thing, I have a minor form of this sort of thing in that I sometimes do and say things that are highly inappropriate. I won’t go into details here, but it is an important part of the story so I had to reveal that, at least. I’ve definitely noticed this at times in my life and unfortunately I think that I have probably hurt a lot of people in my lifetime through my own insensitivity.
I have closet things.
I have things that I don’t talk about that are ugly to me. I have let them sit inside of me and haven’t set them free by asking forgiveness of the people that I have hurt. This is such an important part of my development. So I will be attempting to do this over the next few weeks and months, particularly with the big ones that rattle around in my mind, unforgiven. I have heard it said many times before that forgiveness is not for the other person, it is for YOU. In the case of forgiving yourself, I would say that it is for both of you. When you do things to people and don’t ask for their forgiveness by outrightly acknowledging the fall, you put a chink in the relationship and it stays there until you do.
My word for this year is CONNECTION.
Yesterday, as part of Michele Bergh’s fabulous class on e-courses *, she challenged us to come up with a list of our peeps. I dredged names out of memory from so long ago. I started going through my address book, my FB account, anywhere that I had names and recalling all the people of my life. It was such a treasure to write that list. I have so many incredibly beautiful people in my world. I got excited thinking about the ways that I could reach out to them more and stay connected, or re-connect anew if I have let the relationship slide away from me. Most importantly, it made me realize how much I love my people. Each one is special and I want to do everything I can to enjoy them. For some, it means that I need to forgive myself for things that I have done to them.
I suppose perhaps that many of us have this issue. I may not be alone in this, although it feels like I am sometimes. If others are like me, we never really want to admit that we have a problem with just offending people without realizing it. As a person who is working on my own development, I think it is good to be aware of myself and aware of my affect on others.
*Disclaimer: That is an affiliate link for Michele’s course. I make a commission if you buy something from her, but I would have put the link there whether I would make anything from it or not. She’s awesome and I only recommend awesome stuff.
Amy, we all have things we regret in our lives that is part of living and learning in this world. Funnily enough I was talking about this subject with my husband this morning. I dont really want to go into the details publicly here but you have my email and I think if I shared it with you it may help. Anyway, sometimes we access the worst of ourselves for a particular reason. We feel ashamed upset and sorry for the hurtful things we have done to others.We cannot change them but we can, as you have decided to do, try to make amends. It takes a brave person to explore their dark side and we all have one. Mistakes are life, the universe, God,Allah, Jesus whatever you prefer, way of teaching us things. Just as we need to see the very best we can be, we need to see the worst. One cannot exist without the other. That done, we can make a informed choice of who we would like to be. Thank you for sharing Amy, you are a brave and caring person and I am honoured to have you as a friend.
Athena Brady recently posted..Giving Something Back Post 2
I just love this comment, Athena. I will email you! I love what you said about mistakes. Yes, totally. We need to acknowledge our best and our worst because one cannot exist without the other. How very Taoist of you.
As your sister, I can tell you with much assurance that you have never said anything to me that needs forgiveness. Ever.
I, on the other hand, could apologize to you for being such a budinski on numerous occasions. I have forgiven myself a while ago, because frankly, I learned so much about how wrong I was about everything. It actually became a golden lesson of quite some value. But, incase I have not expressed my apologies yet, please forgive me my buttinskiness. I do, have, and always will, adore you.
lol… You? A budinski? NEVER.
Thanks, Kim. I love you too and feel the same about anything you have done and would ever do. That is the love of sisterhood!
When you are journeying through life it is amazing the number of things you do: positive, negative, life-giving, life-taking. It is also amazing that what you may feel was hurtful wasn’t even noticed. I believe in adult apologies which are just, I’m sorry. No excuses, no reasons. If you put forth excuses or reasons you are trying to make the act one not in your own power.
Anyway, the teacher in me slipped in. I’ve only known you just a few days and I have learned a lot from you. The place you seem to be in now is not one where you are damaging the world.
Have a great day. You deserve it. Your tree at the top needs some buds. Spring is coming. Forgiveness, too.
Sheila Skillingstead recently posted..Do and then delete
No, no apologies, Sheila. We are all teachers and all learners. We learn from each other! I do that all the time too! lol…
I wrote this post because I wanted people to see that I have these days too. I write all this stuff and it may seem sometimes like I know answers that other people don’t know but we all have our places where we know the answers and our places where we falter. I want people to feel free to bring in their game here in the comments. That is what this blog is for. It is a place for people to connect to ideas and say what they think. So you are very welcome to say whatever moves you. Thanks for being here.
I have a friend who is a trauma therapist for children. As she always reminds me, we recreate our trauma until we can resolve it. Even in our dreams, we are trying to repair. Your post is a great example of her counsel.
Thanks. What is your real name? Jennifer?
I’m honored, Amy. You said such nice things about me
I found your post interesting and loved your “social tourettes” reference. I have the same problem and know how painful it can be to feel like I’ve unintentionally said something that hurt someone. I seriously thought I suffered from this alone and, while, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, it also makes it easier to let go of, knowing that it’s not just me…I am not somehow flawed or damaged. I’ve beat myself up for it for years. I think it’s time to stop. Thank you for sharing your story. 
Michele Bergh recently posted..I Threw it All Away
I often wonder if other people have my problems. Perhaps it is bad to assume, but I often think that many share my ailments. Thanks for sharing that you feel this way too. For some reason, it is always better when someone else shares your pain.